So I suppose I've more or less failed at this;

but it's never too late to try again.

A small, short list of excuses:

1) I'm trying to fill out transfer college applications and everything is due by the end of this month. Writing time is going towards essays.

2) Life is more of a routine, with fewer things that stand out as new.

3) There are only half as many kids now... I spend too much time thinking about how much I miss the others.

Now that that's out of the way...

Yes, I miss the other kids. It was a challenge, with all of them there, but it was never dull and I loved it.

I miss at breakfast every morning when those 3 boys would rediscover that my name rhymes with the Spanish word for "spoon" and sing "SARAH CUCHARA SARAH CUCHARA SARAH CUCHARA" over and over and over again, pointing their spoons at me and laughing so hard they'd almost fall off the bench.

I miss the way they'd search the house for anything they could find with English words on it, like it was a competition, and then push eachother out of the way and hold whatever they'd found up to my face saying "Translate MINE!" "No mine!" "NO MIIINE!"

I miss the way they'd taunt me so I'd run after them until I was bright red and falling over with their "Yuuu cand catcha meee"s--one of the only complete phrases they ever seemed to remember.

I miss the way they'd want to play soccer against me, deeming my team "America" and their own team "Argentina," so they could "beat me miserably just like in real life." The way they'd run up and jump-hug me when they scored a goal before realizing that they shouldn't be celebrating with me because I am the enemy.

I miss the way they'd introduce me to any of their friends in the park. "This is Sarah and she's from THE UNITED STATES! She speaks ENGLISH!" Without fail, the other kids would be like "NO WAY!" (the exact reaction they were looking for) and then they'd ask me to talk and all sit there staring in a trance, not understanding a word and loving it.

I miss the flowers in my pocket.

I miss the pictures labeled "para Sarah".

With the other kids it's much more like babysitting, but those boys were my friends if I've ever had any.

The two older boys that are still left think I'm a huge bore now and that's hard too. Now that there are only 6 kids, the 3 little ones are almost always left solely in my care--Alicia and El Señor just take the time I am there as their time off. Having to look out for a 1, 2, and 3-year-old without the help I used to have from the older kids, I can't really play too many games of soccer or tag anymore. It's a whole different experience, and they don't really understand. All they see is that I used to be tons of fun and now I always have babies in my arms.

Maybe writing about it will help. Get it out of my system a little bit. I'm trying to focus on how lucky I was to have had such a good time at all, even if it was only for a week and a half when I would have liked it to be for all six. I need to, because there is a new volunteer working with me starting today, and I need to stop telling her "how it used to be," because that's not fair.

I think the worst part is that I know the boys are happier where they are. And I don't mean that selfishly: They live at their dad's house with their older brother of about 17 or so. Their dad still lives with that other woman that doesn't want them at her house. It seems like the best thing ever to them! They don't have parental figures--no one to tell them to stop watching so much tv, no one to wonder where they are, no one to make them do their homework (if they're even going to school), no one to make sure they stay out of trouble. I could find solace in letting them go if I knew it was a step forward in their lives, but it's not and I'm worried about their futures and that only augments everything.

And there's nothing I can do

except write about it

and hope for the best.